DISCLAIMER: If you’re looking for real expert-ish type advice on love and sex, run. QUICKLY. This is merely a list of things that being a graduate student of psychology has taught me about love and sex. Or rather, it’s more of a look inside the demented dating life of a psychology graduate student. I am currently single, with a string of bad relationships in my wake, so I obviously haven’t learned much. Actually, it’s more like a list of my failures, and of things that idiotic men do to piss me off.
Target audience: Psychologists, therapist, graduate students, and other cynical like-minded bastards (such as myself).
Perhaps some of you will find my revelations witty. They came to me while I was driving home from the liquor store. Here we go:
Five out of ten potential suitors will say the following when they learn of your graduate training: “Oh, so does that mean you’re going to try to analyze me, or something?” The answer (that I say in my mind): “No, you idiot. You’re not paying me. Also, most women are going to try to analyze you, regardless of their graduate training. Dolt.”
Beware of arguments with significant others. The following WILL take place:
- Scenario 1: You’ve screwed up (well, he thinks you’ve screwed up). Either way, you will hear the following: “Wow, how could you not know better? Aren’t YOU supposed to be the therapist?”
You will never be allowed to make a mistake in your relationship, because you are a therapist, and this means that you are an all knowing, all seeing, all powerful master of love and empathy. If you do not live up to this expectation, you will be hearing it from your partner.
- Scenario 2: He screwed up, and you are trying to figure out how this could have happened. You will hear the following from him: “I’m not your f!@king patient, stop trying to be my therapist!”
Wait…am I supposed to be a therapist…or not? Shit, now I’m all confused!
Just because you are working with substance abuse patients does not mean that you need to date an addict. That is NOT part of the training. (LOL, oops!)
Similarly, just because you are working with patients that have personality disorders does not mean that you need to date an Axis II fella. That is NOT part of the training. (LOL, DOUBLE OOPS!)
Giving an assessment (for shits and giggles, let’s say the SCID-IV) to a partner seems like a fine idea at the time. You’ll get practice, and maybe you’ll get to learn some new stuff! WARNING: It seems like fun, until you learn things that you cannot unlearn. It’s all fun and games until someone comes up positive!
Your family warns you that if you spend another 34827637246 years in graduate school, you may never find a husband. Turns out, they may be right. Also turns out, I don’t give a shit.
When you hate the guy but the sex is great, you may end up dating him. Why have you convinced yourself that he’s so wonderful? Look to cognitive dissonance for answers.
Your partner will likely be bored to tears when you tell him about your dissertation. UNLESS (and this likely only applies to me, and a select few) it’s on the sex industry. Or related to sexuality. Or they think they hear the word “sex” somewhere in there. Now, all of a sudden, you are assumed to be “slutty,” and possibly an ex-stripper.
That’s all for now. I will continue to update this list as I continue to go on more bad dates and/or get into dysfunctional relationships.